Go To Grandma's House & Stay There!

Just like all other things one holds near and dear from his or her childhood, Hollywood will continue to have none of it by raping it in the face. Bye-bye innocence along with your one and only true relieve from your crap life, reminiscing.

I hold Catherine Hardwicke personally responsible for this f-ckery. How aren't all of us directors? Slow motion pan, close up on eyes, long hair, veil, armpit hair and a wind machine. Can't we all point a camera, press record and still turn out a better movie then Twilight? Harwicke claims that the script of her latest unfulfilled pre-teen wet-dream, Red Riding Hood, was all Leonardo DiCaprio's idea. This bitch! If this were prison her ass would've been shanked by now. Sly little hack, isn't she.

Anyway, she directed Red Riding Hood. Here's a synopsis courtesy of those a-holes at Warner Brothers:

Valerie (Seyfried) is a beautiful young woman torn between two men. She is in love with a brooding outsider, Peter (Fernandez), but her parents have arranged for her to marry the wealthy Henry (Irons). Unwilling to lose each other, Valerie and Peter are planning to run away together when they learn that Valerie's older sister has been killed by the werewolf that prowls the dark forest surrounding their village. For years, the people have maintained an uneasy truce with the beast, offering the creature a monthly animal sacrifice. But under a blood red moon, the wolf has upped the stakes by taking a human life. Hungry for revenge, the people call on famed werewolf hunter, Father Solomon (Oldman), to help them kill the wolf. But Solomon's arrival brings unintended consequences as he warns that the wolf, who takes human form by day, could be any one of them. As the death toll rises with each moon...

This is seriously chapping my ass already. First of all I've seen this movie already, it's called Brotherhood of the Wolf and it was awesome featuring my eternal girl-crush, Monica Bellucci. And if you want retro thievery, The Company of Wolves.

It's pretty much Mean Girls' Karen running around reciting her lines with a heavy L.A. accent. Thumbs up. I don't think Gary Oldman or Julie Christie (who plays the grandmother!!!! Blasphemy, I say!) can save this mess, hate to say it.

As a bonus, Hardwicke is set to direct yet another remake of a remake, Hamlet with Emile "I smell like eggs and have a Napoleon Complex" Hirsch. Great. It'll be more terrible acting and prepubescent fantasy love scenes. Maybe Megan Fox can play Ophelia.

VIA: Zombie Toenails